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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26112607">Not So Sage Advice</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/MistyBeethoven/pseuds/MistyBeethoven'>MistyBeethoven</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>"Yes, I Really Am This Pathetic!" or "How to Say I Love You with a Story or a Picture" [66]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge on the Run (2020)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Acceptance, BBW, Chinese Mythology &amp; Folklore, Comedy, Crack, Cunnilingus, F/M, Floor Sex, Holidays, Inspired by Re-Animator, Interspecies Awkwardness, Interspecies Relationship(s), Interspecies Romance, Interspecies Sex, Lies, Love, Love Stories, Magpies, Nipple Play, Overweight, Plant/Human - Freeform, Plants, Qixi, Romantic Comedy, Self-Indulgent, Self-Insert, Soulmates, Tumbleweeds, Weird Fluff, Weird Sex, Wisemen - Freeform, chinese valentine's day, sages - Freeform, weird love story</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 07:07:02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,299</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26112607</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/MistyBeethoven/pseuds/MistyBeethoven</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>On the day of the Qixi Festival, I find myself encountering a certain tumbling Sage. He tries to help me find my lost Tom Cat, whom isn't really lost at all. However, discovering Sage is a horny little plant with a secret, I'm not so sure if it's such a wise idea to fall for his advice. </p><p>Then again, why not tumble into love with a tumbleweed?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Sage (The SpongeBob Movie)/Me</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>"Yes, I Really Am This Pathetic!" or "How to Say I Love You with a Story or a Picture" [66]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1589944</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Not So Sage Advice</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I was writing a fic for sis today but finished early. If that happened I wanted to write a silly, one shot for this series that wouldn't take too much thought. Sage rolled into my mind as an obvious choice. Then I saw the Qixi doodle on the Google homepage. This all came together from it. </p><p>The film "Re-Animator" also inspired this. </p><p>And bushes everywhere.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I was outside of my house, August 25th 2020, wearing the t-shirt I had just weaved up the following night, looking for my mangy old Tom Cat, whom hadn't shown up for three weeks, when I stopped in shock as I saw a flock of magpies flying in the sky in the distance above me. From out of one of their small dark beaks, they dropped what appeared to be a tumbleweed on to the ground. Frozen in place, I watched, with open mouth, as the tumbleweed came rolling down the street towards me. It looked just like one of the ones you'd see in old westerns, in scenes where Cowboys went crawling across the desert, dying of thirst or when they were about to have a shoot out in the middle of town, one prickly dead plant rolling by as if they were just some cowherd wandering on by. It stopped when it reached my feet and my surprise grew even larger as I saw the head of a handsome man contained in the middle of the brush. He had longish, dark brown hair, a beard with gray sometimes salting the prevalent darker whiskers and a pair of small brown eyes. He looked to be part Oriental in ancestry and around his neck he wore beads which gave him a Mystic's aura.</p><p>"I am a sage and they call me Sage. Are you looking for something?" he asked, sounding very knowledgable and wise.</p><p>"I'm looking for my stupid cat," I replied.</p><p>"Well," the head smiled. "I may be able to help you. Recently I aided a sponge and a starfish, who tried to pass himself off as a toaster, find a missing snail. "I aided them but the courage was inside the two friends all along. Maybe the answer is inside of you too."</p><p>I took a deep breath and walked a little further. "Yeah, it is," I commented.</p><p>"How long has he been gone?"</p><p>"More than three weeks," I replied.</p><p>"You called him stupid," the Sage said. "Maybe he lacks the intelligence to remember where you live."</p><p>"Oh, he <em>knows</em>," I sighed. "He's just not coming. That's why I called him stupid. Because I paid for his neuter and fed him for years only for him to choose my two elderly friends and neighbours house down the street to visit suddenly and forsake me."</p><p>We had reached the house in question and I stopped and stared at Tom Cat, sitting and licking himself in the chair on my friends' porch. "There's the miserable old thing now," I said glaring at him and folding my arms.</p><p>"See, you knew the answer all along," the bush mused.</p><p>"Yeah, do you have the answer for what will bring him back?"</p><p>"Feed him better food."</p><p>I shook my head. "Tried that. I already feed him cream and sardines and wet whiskas. Sue and Ann just feed him this unidentifiable gunk from a company called No Name."</p><p>"Maybe the neuter didn't help things," Sage theorized.</p><p>"I think he's just a dirty cat with a lesbian fetish," I stated in return.</p><p>"They're <em>lesbians</em>!" Sage said in excitement and started rolling towards the porch.</p><p>I sighed again. "Now my tumbleweed has left me too," I mumbled, as I walked dejectedly back towards my house.</p><p>"I'm back," I heard a deep voice saying by my old sneakers. "Sorry. Couldn't help myself."</p><p>"You don't even have a body!" I exclaimed.</p><p>"Well your cat doesn't have balls anymore and that didn't stop him," Sage said.</p><p>I sat down on the edge of the sidewalk to have a little self pitying pout only to see the tumbleweed roll down next to me. We sat in silence for a bit until I noticed he was kind of looking me over. His eyes were taking in my long brown-auburn hair, my green-green-gray eyes, mended t-shirt, large breasts and fat ass in a pair of new blue jeans. Apparently he didn't seem to care that I was a chubby woman but I was becoming very shy under his appreciative stare.</p><p>"Are you checking me out?" I asked.</p><p>"Like you were a book on transcendental meditation at the local library," he answered with a growl.</p><p>"I thought you were a <em>sage</em>," I said softly. "That you weren't exactly interested in the body anymore but more on the spirit and the mind."</p><p>"Yes," the tumbleweed stated. "But my spirit and mind said it was about time I got myself a girl. So I asked Heaven to lead me to my soulmate and a parliament of magpies appeared and brought me to you. To make everything even better it is Qixi."</p><p>"What's that?" I asked.</p><p>"It's an ancient Chinese festival, honoring two star crossed lovers, a weaver and her cowherd husband. They were separated and placed in opposing celestial positions in the sky. The magpies felt sorry for them both and united them once a year on the 7th day of the 7th lunisolar month in the Chinese Calendar. Which is today."</p><p>He was looking at me and his right eye gave a sparkle. "Fitting, isn't it?" he smiled and moved in a little closer. "I think that makes us soulmates...err..."</p><p>"Erin."</p><p>"I think that makes us soulmates, Erin," he finished persuasively.</p><p>My own logic was kicking in. "How can I be soulmates with a <em>tumbleweed</em>?"</p><p>He looked thoughtful for a moment or two and then closed his eyes. I thought he was dipping into his vast reserve of knowledge as a sage sagebrush in order to battle my doubt with the secret truths of the universe, until he opened his mouth and said, "If you're worried about <em>something</em> I've got just one hyphenated word for you."</p><p>"What?" I asked in curiosity, wanting to be set free from my ignorance.</p><p>"Re-Animator," he emphasized each syllable and raised his eyebrows two times.</p><p>My own raised as my jaw dropped. I quickly partook in a blow job with the plant, although not the type he had hoped for. I inhaled all the air my lungs could stand than unleashed it on the tumbleweed, sending him blowing off down the street far away from me.</p><p>* * *</p><p>About three hours later, I heard a knock on the front door and went to open it.</p><p>"It's you!" I exclaimed when I saw Sage grinning up at me. "How'd you knock on the door with no hands?"</p><p>"If one puts their mind to it, it is amazing what the spirit can accomplish," the tumbleweed mused. "Who cares, I've been standing on your porch for close to three hours."</p><p>Almost feeling sorry for him, I still folded my arms and stared down at him in wary hestitation. "I just looked up sagebrush and tumbleweeds online," I informed him.</p><p>Sage's eyes became wide in alarm.</p><p>"Turns out they are two different things," I stated. "Tumbleweeds aren't Sagebrush at all; they're something called Russian Thistle. Something isn't adding up about you, Sage. Are you a tumbleweed or a sagebrush? Cuz right now you seem about as phony as a Native American in an old Western."</p><p>The bearded face was guiltily silent before I made my next tactical decision.</p><p>"No wait I can explain!" he said quickly as he saw me taking another deep breath. "I don't want to spend another three hours trying to knock on your frickin' door."</p><p>"Good," I said with a nod. "Go ahead; I'm listening."</p><p>"I'm a tumbleweed," Sage confessed. "But my parents called me Sage...they were confused very easily. I just kind of rolled with it. I mean, what was the alternative? Do you think I wanted to be called a wind witch?"</p><p>"I guess not," I sighed. "Although there is a sweet, good looking actor who plays a character named the Baba Yaga. Come to think of it, the character's Russian too. And he looks an awful lot like you."</p><p>"Purely coincidence, I'm sure," Sage replied.</p><p>"Really?"</p><p>"Yeah, trust me, I'm a sage."</p><p>"No, you're a <em>tumbleweed</em>," I countered.</p><p>"So, I'm a sage tumbleweed. I'm still pretty wise," he remarked.</p><p>"Yeah," I said. "I guess so. You did find out how to knock on my door after all."</p><p>"Thanks," Sage commented. "So how about it, Erin? Can this bush meet your own?"</p><p>"Oh!" I cried in annoyance and blew him down the stairs, rushing back inside before another breeze blew him back.</p><p>* * *</p><p>When another knock came on the door two hours later, I wasn't surprised to see who it was.</p><p>"You're getting faster," I remarked.</p><p>"Thanks," Sage said and then rolled into my house.</p><p>"Hey!" I called back, chasing after him.</p><p>He had planted himself in my living room, my cats all running off and hiding at the sight of a giant tumbleweed with a male human head at its core. "Nice place you have here...it has a nice, warm, homey glow to it," he commented. "Good vibrations."</p><p>"Thanks," I replied. "But you shouldn't have come in without getting an invitation."</p><p>"I can bypass that, I'm not a vampire," he replied with a laugh. "I'm your personal tumbleweed sage. And lover and soulmate if you'll let me be, at least, for today since that is all we have."</p><p>I sat on the living room floor sad, confused and a little frightened. "How long do you live for?"</p><p>"Well, technically, I'm already kind of <em>dead</em> but since I'm magical, and from a cartoon series' film, I will say indefinitely. I was just referring to the Chinese legend of the weaver and cowherd."</p><p>"Oh good!" I cried, holding the tumbleweed suddenly to my chest in relief. "That makes me feel a lot better. I was afraid you were going to die."</p><p>Sage was grunting and I could tell he was appreciating where I was holding him. "I want to roll all over your body and disperse my seeds!" he proclaimed. "Especially in your moist spots."</p><p>I placed the tumbleweed between my legs and stared down at him. "You really are rather horny for a plant," I remarked.</p><p>Sage looked thoughtful again. "Maybe denying my own more baser impulses has been the wrong choice for me. Perhaps to deny something, ignoring its existence, only gives it more strength and I am now dealing with that fact."</p><p>I contemplated this wisdom.</p><p>"Or maybe seeing your ass in those jeans from my angle on the ground just made me hot."</p><p>I smirked fondly down at him.</p><p>"So today is Qixi, you say?" I said getting to my feet.</p><p>"Well, <em>here</em> it is," Sage commented. "In China, the originating country, its already tomorrow so it's over..."</p><p>His eyes widened again as he saw me starting to remove my jeans. "No...no...today right <em>here </em>is what truly counts," he commented. "You're right."</p><p>Underwear and jeans off, I started to take off my t-shirt and bra too, afraid the tumbleweed would roll towards the door after seeing me. He didn't, though, and I was happy as he looked my fleshy body over with serene contentment and then eyed the huge black bra in my hand. "Place that on top of me, Erin," he instructed.</p><p>I did.</p><p>"Look I'm Mickey Mouse," he stated and I giggled.</p><p>Lying down naked on my living room floor, I parted my legs and asked, "Is this okay?"</p><p>Sage rolled over in excitement, my bra falling off behind him. The tumbleweed positioned himself between my chubby thighs and looked at my furry muffin with a big grin on his face. "It's your bush! I'm getting to meet your bush! And what a bush it is!"</p><p>I blushed deeply at his appreciation of it, grateful he was a bush and wouldn't mind it being untrimmed.</p><p>"Bush meet sagebrush, sagebrush meet bush," he stated.</p><p>"<em>Sagebrush</em>?" I said, staring down my body and between my legs at him.</p><p>"Oh right," he said. "Tumbleweed."</p><p>He was looking very excitedly at me and my own bush until his face became all composed again and a little sad. "Erin...I'm not only horny...I'm <em>thorny</em> too. I wasn't a Russian thistle once for nothing."</p><p>"Will it hurt?" I asked, scared once more. "I'm a virgin."</p><p>"Yeah..." he said. "But I can do things with my mouth that you wouldn't believe. I'm not a Sage for nothing."</p><p>"Okay," I said. "What comes first?"</p><p>"Well first, I'm going to roll all over you, letting go of my seeds. That will hurt the most. But then I'll finish up by getting better acquainted with your bush. That you'll like, I promise. More than Megan Halsey did anyway." He smiled, another glint in his eye.</p><p>"Okay," I said, lying back and letting my tumbleweed start to shake rattle and roll all over my body.</p><p>As he rolled up my vulva, I bit my bottom lip feeling the first prickles from his body. It continued as he tumbled upwards, over my stomach and I felt him dropping his seed all over me, one landing in my belly button. I felt as if I was being covered in my lover's seed but not the type I had ever expected. This type I'd have to shake off later and pick out of my pubic hair. When Sage reached my chest...well I found it far more pleasant. He stopped his rolling to look at the large, if imperfect boobs, before him and seemed to grin wider. With a forceful little tumble he placed his head down on my right breast and rolled no further, stopping to suck on the nipple.</p><p>"Mmmm...hmmm," I moaned, feeling <em>muuuch</em> better. I grabbed a handful of the massive mammary and held it up for him to feast on even better.</p><p>His lips placed the teat between them and he started to suck, making the pink object emerge and feel as tingly as my clitoris. He'd shake it up with a couple of good licks too. And then he'd kiss the surrounding flesh with mucho gusto. "Do the other," I purred, petting my own pussy with my free hand as Sage shifted his head and compassionately complied. My left breast received the same loving treatment from the tumbleweed's mouth and I was fingering my clit as he rolled his tongue around my now saliva drenched chest a bit more.</p><p>"Ohhhh, that was good," I praised him. "You do good things with that tongue besides giving sage advice."</p><p>"You better believe it, my big, bountiful beauty," Sage said, rolling back towards my bush.</p><p>"Modest aren't we?" I laughed.</p><p>"One should always admit their talents," the tumbleweed remarked. "To not do so would be a lie. Now let me show you what my tongue can do on that wet pussy of yours. None of your other ones interest me."</p><p>He rolled a far distance away and I had to contain my giggles as Sage rolled quickly closer to my cunt, his tongue already sticking out. I couldn't help it, really. He looked like some strange knight jousting with his tongue and not a lance. Only as his tongue made contact with my vagina...</p><p>I wasn't laughing anymore.</p><p>The sound that came out of my mouth was a scream and this time not one caused by pain or discomfort; the source of my cry was the sensation of the Sage's extended, large and pink tongue being rammed up my already dripping wet cunt and hitting every nerve ending in it with wonderful pleasure.</p><p>"Ohh...ohh...I...I didn't..."</p><p>I had no idea what I was mumbling.</p><p>I didn't know that the Sage really <em>did</em> know how to use his tongue?</p><p>I didn't <em>know</em> a tongue could go so far up my honey pot?</p><p>I didn't know I could ever feel this <em>good</em>?</p><p>Being able to see clearly might have been a talent Sage possessed but at that moment, with his tongue licking my insides, I was lost to any other thought but the ones concerning how wonderfully, orally stimulated I was being made by a tumbleweed. My hands went to my boobs, which I started to fondle, feeling cream running out from my opening in my physical bliss.</p><p>"Aha!" the Sage cried, licking it up. "There's my baby's cream."</p><p>I was panting and wriggling, fully experiencing the wise man's knowledge on how to savor my privates. He'd moved on to my clit and was using his lips and tongue on it, sucking and causing more bodily fluid to come out and water the dry tumbleweed. I placed my elbows over my big tits and grabbed my face as I rocked it back and forth. I felt all the blood rushing to my genitals, trying to be close to the Sage whom was showing me his wisdom on how to please a woman. Placing some seeds between my folds, Sage dropped his tongue back to my vagina.</p><p>"Ohhh ohh ohhh!" I was whimpering, sounding like some heroine from a hentai anime.</p><p>"You are close to your peak," he commented sagely. "I shall bring you to it, where you will experience the full blessing of the culmination of my knowledge on how to communicate so successfully with your body."</p><p>And sure enough, when Sage returned his tongue to me, doing things I had never thought possible, I was violently writhing on the floor as my climax came upon me like an earthquake. I was screaming and crying and thanking God for having blessed me with such a wise little plant on the day of the Qixi festival. The convulsuons lasted for about three solid minutes, my cunt wondering where the actual seed was inside of it, as it violently clenched on nothing, while I could see it actually covering all of my body.</p><p>Sage had rolled to the side and was just enjoying the sight of the sexually fulfilled wreck he had made of me. When I finally propped myself up on my elbow to look at him, he rolled closer towards me and said, "I told you: Hill had nothing on me."</p><p>My heart was finally stopping its racing as I patted the top of his prickly head and got a palm full of more of his seed.</p><p>* * *</p><p>We spent the rest of the day talking. I asked my Sage what it was like to be out in the desert and he told me that he could visit people in their dreams. I told him I had liked the song "Dream Weaver" as a kid. We listened to Michael Nesmith's version of "Tumbling Tumbleweeds" while Sage planted his seed on me some more and gave me yet another powerful orgasm. Afterwards we sat on my porch stairs (no sign of Tom Cat still) and we looked at the stars until the parliament of magpies came to take my tumbleweed away from me.</p><p>"If I'm so smart tell me one thing," he mused.</p><p>"What's that?" I asked.</p><p>"How come I can't find a way to stop myself crying?"</p><p>I held him close to my chest and he watered it while I watered him in return.</p><p>"GOODBYE ERIN!" he called out after a bird flew down and snatched him from out of my arms.</p><p>"GOODBYE SAGE! I LOVE YOU!" I shouted back, having lost both my cat and my tumbleweed in too short a time.</p><p>* * *</p><p>About six in the morning, I heard a knock at the door and rushed to open it, finding Sage standing there. He looked like he had spent all night rolling back to me, having fallen out from a magpie's grasp after a struggle.</p><p>"Can I stay?" the Sage asked, looking up at me with hopeful but fearful brown eyes. "Maybe the Qixi thing doesn't really fit us. I'm a tumbleweed not a sagebrush, after all. What do I know?"</p><p>"That's right," I said, getting on my knees and hugging the seedy Russian Thistle before I kissed him.</p>
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